


Two Pints of Bitter and a Pickled Egg

by collatorsden_archivist



Category: Life on Mars & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Humor, PG-13 - Blue Cortina, Time Period: 1973-1981 (Life on Mars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-06
Updated: 2008-04-06
Packaged: 2019-01-20 16:46:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12437274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collatorsden_archivist/pseuds/collatorsden_archivist
Summary: A night in the pub.  Perfect.





	Two Pints of Bitter and a Pickled Egg

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Janni, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [the Collators' Den](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Collators%27_Den), which was moved to the AO3 to ensure access and longevity for the fanworks. I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in October 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the Collators' Den collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/collatorsden/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** Self-insertion MarySue!fic. Also: Big warnings for the Pint Trick. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.

The door to The Railway Arms swung open letting in a blast of cold air. Chris, who had been chatting to Gene and Sam, turned round at that and stopped mid-flow. "Bloody hell. Look at the tits on that!"

 

 

Gene craned his neck round to the doorway, where a well-stacked brunette was standing, looking around her. "Blimey, you don't get many of those to the pound," he observed. He opened his mouth, probably to say something to the girl, but at that moment Ray walked in behind her and steered her into the bar proper.

 

 

"Oi, Ray!" Gene called. "Aren't you going to introduce us to your lady friend?"

 

 

A look of something, perhaps a grimace, crossed Ray's face, but he dutifully led the girl towards the group of coppers. "Gents, this is Mandy. Mandy, this is DCI Gene Hunt, DI Sam Tyler and DC Chris Skelton." Mandy nodded to each of them, however not one really noticed as Gene and Chris had not looked above her neck area at all in the meeting so far and Sam was desperately studying the wallpaper behind her head.

 

 

"So, what do you want to drink, love?" Ray asked.

 

 

"Oh, a pint of bitter would be lovely, thanks Ray" Mandy replied, not noticing the shocked looks on the faces of the others. "I love a decent pint of beer." She turned back to the others and smiled. "I do like that jacket, DI Tyler. Where did you get it?"

 

 

*

 

 

An hour later, Mandy and Sam were in deep discussion about some pop group called 'T-Rex' and Chris, Gene and Ray were discussing Mandy's finer attributes. "Well," Gene said, "I can certainly see where she puts those pints. That is the biggest pair of tits I’ve seen in a long time, you two excluded. Where on earth did you get her, Ray?"

 

 

"I met her down at the Fisherman's, Guv. She's one of the bar-maids there."

 

 

"I can certainly see her pulling pints. Though what on earth were you doing down at the Fisherman's Arms?"

 

 

"I went down for talent night, Guv. Apparently, Mandy there has a special talent."

 

 

"Oh yes? And what is that?"

 

 

"She can drink a pint of beer without touching the glass, once it's in... place."

 

 

"What do you mean?"

 

 

"She puts the pint between her, you knows, and well. It's easier to get her to show you, Guv."

 

 

"You mean she can put a pint between those tits? Give over."

 

 

"Okay, Guv. A fiver says she can."

 

 

"And I think you're having me on. Done." Gene reached over and shook his hand. "Chris, get us a pint in then."

 

 

Ray called across to Mandy "Oi, Mandy. Gene here wants to see the pint trick."

 

 

Mandy rolled her eyes. "Everyone and his dog wants to see the pint trick. I've told you I'm not doing it any more."

 

 

"Oh, go on, Mandy. Just for me. I'll take you out somewhere special your next night off."

 

 

"The cinema? To see _The Sting_?"

 

 

"Yeah, okay. We'll see it at the Ritzy in town, next week."

 

 

"Fine then. Well, can someone get me a pint?"

 

 

Chris, with unexpectedly perfect timing, appeared at her elbow with a fresh pint. "Will that do, Mandy?"

 

 

"Ta, chuck. Right. I better clear myself some room."

 

 

Encouraged by the others, she soon found herself standing on a table in the middle of the bar. "Okay, is everyone ready?"

 

 

The entire pub, now assembled around the table, gave a rousing cheer, so Mandy positioned the pint above her cleavage and applied some pressure downward. It slid into her cleavage easily.

 

 

"You better watch her," Gene told Ray out of the corner of his mouth, "she could be hiding anything down there!"

 

 

Mandy, now happy that she had the pint properly secured, leaned forward, put the glass to her lips and then bent her whole back backwards and the pint, now resting between her lips, began to empty.

 

 

Sam eyes boggled at that. "Blimey. I thought you were joking. That's, um, very entertaining."

 

 

Chris suddenly felt the need to prop himself up at the bar for a second. "It's a very interesting view from here," he muttered and drained his pint.

 

 

As Mandy bent herself upright again and proffered the now empty glass to the assembled mass, there was a moment of silence in which nothing could be heard except the smash of a glass as it hit the floor. 

 

 

"Bloody hell," Chris cried, "Parker's fainted!"

 

 

With that the entire pub burst into applause. Ray and Gene helped Mandy down off the table and as she turned away to receive the congratulations of the rest of the team, Gene reached in his pocket and pulled out a five-pound note. "Ray, my lad, that's definitely the best spent fiver I've had in a very long time".

 

 

_fin_


End file.
